Posted Oct 10, 2010 in Travel | 0 Comments

SKYWHORES UNITE!!! Airplane Etiquette

Now we’ve spoken about the wear and tears of airline life on an employee, and we should now talk about the what and what nots for passengers. Don’t worry, I’m well aware of how uncomfortable flying is. As a matter of fact I’m on a 5 hour flight to Vancouver as I write this and I’ve  had  more comfortable seating on a dirt road.

Let’s begin from the home.

You’re going away for a week, do you really need to pack 5 pants and 7 shirts? C’mon now. I’m all for fashion but a true fashionista knows how to make do with the littlest of outfits… It’s all about accessories.

Be bright, pack tight, feel light.

This gets you through security much faster and might save you that extra cost for checking in baggage. Make sure you roll your clothes which causes less wrinkles and saves a lot of room.

Now if your check in is at 6pm why are you just leaving your house at 5? Do you really feel that even in an ideal world everything will go perfectly? Lead-time, add it. You never know what can happen between the comfort of your home and the discomfort of the plane.

Just the other day a lady traveling from Toronto to Vancouver connecting to Shanghai  checked in late… Five minutes after the deadline with a sob story about having to  take care of her children that were traveling with her. With 10 minutes left till departure  she still stopped to shop. With her kids begging her to hurry up as the plane would leave, she hushed them and  told them she had time (assumption since I don’t speak mandarin). Well believe it or not on arrival at the gate she was told her flight had already closed and her bags unloaded. With a huff and a puff she tried to blow their house down, but the agent was too quick and was fully aware of the lady’s addiction to shopping. The lady demanded to be placed on the next flight, but that one was full.  So she pouted and demanded for the next and the lady said, “For sure, the next flight has seating. Departure is at 7am, tomorrow morning”. The look at the woman’s face was priceless. Her kids however were not impressed. Of course, she turned, she screamed, she cast spells and cursed the airline. She was bewitched.  How could the airline do this to her.

I wonder?

When arriving at the airport have your papers in order. Place all of  the itineraries, passports and boarding passes in one envelope, and placed  in an accessible pocket. Assuming you checked in from home you should have a  smooth entry onto your flight.

Make sure your liquids are under 100ml, cause depending which airport your departing from they very well will throw out your perfumes from Paris, your  herbal creams from Frankfurt, or your lube from the sex shop.

Just do what the security agent says. Trust me they don’t like having to repeat hundreds of times a day the same thing that the media has broadcast for years and the posters have  announced  throughout the airport. When they say hello, why not great them with a smile, it can actually make their day.

You’ve made it through the gauntlet, you’ve reached the gate and you possibly can encounter several scenarios.

1)The flight is canceled. Horrible news for all trust me. The reasons are numerous, some good and some not.

  • Maybe the flight was under booked and not worth using gas to fly 20 people on a 146 seat plane when another plane leaves an hour later.
  • Maybe the flight had a mechanical issue that warranted  serious attention. So instead of letting an unsafe plane leave, which could possibly lead to the death of dozens… The company took precautions and thought safety first.

The nerve of them.

2) They’ve announced a later departure. Delayed flights are a nuisance.

  • Maybe there was an onboard issue?
  • Maybe the previous flight had passengers arriving late. Almost every flight we have passengers who check their bags and enter the airport but then disappear. I’d say 80% of the time they’re at the bar having a good old time. The airline pages them to no avail and agents run around searching for these passengers every where. The airline doesn’t want the passengers to miss their flight as it screws up the entire day.

The nerve of them.

3) They’ve called out your name and upgraded you, no additional charge. Yeah right you say? Don’t scoff it happens.

Regardless of the scenario or the outcome, the agents are just doing their job. Do they truly deserve to be blasted? Its not personal to them, they don’t know you from Adam or Eve. Trust me, they’re the one group of people you don’t want to piss off. With a smile and understanding voice you can soothe the savage beast. That beast controls your life for the immediate future. Chill.

I have seen agents bend over backwards making calls, and running through the airport during their breaks or after their shift is finished just because a passenger treated them with respect.

I’ve also seen agents give a glorious ‘fuck you’ with no effort whatsoever to help a passenger in distress.

By the way if you get a middle seat the arm rests should be yours. The aisle seat gets the aisle freedom, the window seat gets the window view and the middle gets the shits…so make the arm rests yours, no matter what.

What you need to understand is that they only need to give you another flight or seat. It’s never said which flight or which seat. Don’t mess with them.

Now you’re boarding the plane. Say hi to the flight attendants or at least smile. These employees have no idea the day you’ve had  nor do you know theirs. If you’re pissed off chill out, you’re on the plane now, and it’s almost over. Don’t make everyone’s life a living hell. Just remember these are the people who are trained to keep ’yo ass alive till medical services arrive,’ these are the same people trained with emergency procedures. When push comes to shove who do you think they’ll be thinking of? I don’t know, but I’m just saying…

Another point, when you’re at a restaurant, it’s a known fact to never  disrespect your waiter as you don’t know what goes on behind the kitchen door. ‘Nuff said!

Don’t be an ass and ask for 3 drinks or  crazy mixtures. They are not bartenders. Don’t ask them what you wouldn’t make at home.

With all this said, your flight’s over and after getting to your home or hotel you realize that it was smooth sailing considering. You traveled hundreds, thousands of miles and were surrounded by dozens, hundreds of  strangers amidst hundreds, thousands of flights around the world and you arrived safely.

Just a question… Did your bags arrive?

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